Q: What should I do when my colleague treats me disrespectfullY/

My colleague always treats me disrespectfully. When I question why or make suggestions, he’s rude in return, telling me that I should "just figure it out," because he doesn’t have time to discuss it. He says that I'll know when I've "gotten it right," according to his standards. What can I do about this, because it's wearing on my confidence, increasing my stress, and creating dissatisfaction with my work.

Food for Thought

As this inquiry shows, interpersonal communication skillfulness creates more effective interactions and organizations — and poor interpersonal skill fosters problems that affect morale and productivity. Certainly, we've all had experience in dealing with people who don't seem to listen or communicate very well (and perhaps we've been that unskillful person ourselves from time to time).

As you know, good communication takes more than one person, although one skillful person can sometimes help create more positive interactions and bring out greater skillfulness in others. Many people simply haven't learned how to communicate effectively or respectfully, so they're just playing the roles they've learned along the way, even when the "roles" are really damaging and unproductive.

In this example, let's assume that the issue is one of stylistic differences and lack of communication skill that may be resolved by skillful, straight-forward communication, rather than an abusive, hostile situation for which an anti-harassment solution might be more appropriate.

It's neither respectful nor productive to suggest that the "right answer" to this dilemma is that one person needs to be clairvoyant and "figure it out" rather than having the other person take responsibility for clarifying and moderating his own communication and it's role in workplace relationships and organizational effectiveness.

In this situation, you'll never be "right" enough, and perhaps that's the power-play that your colleague is making. Your colleague's "just figure it out" approach puts all of the responsibility on you (the one in this situation who is supposed to be doing all the guessing about what his intentions are), while all the power rests with him (the one who gets to do whatever he wants and not be held responsible for it in the relationship).

Ideally, he needs to step up to his responsibility for the mutual effort required of healthy relationships. This is the case whether in personal relationships or in the workplace. The most basic rules of respectful, effective communication are the same, wherever people congregate.

Potential solutions

One potential solution is for you to be respectfully straight-forward with your colleague. For example:

Instead of offering suggestions or taking your usual approach when you perceive that he's being rude and disrespectful to you, simply ask — as calmly and open-mindedly as you're able to — "Is it your intention to be disrespectful and insulting to me, because that's what it feels like when you say things and act like that."

Ultimately, you have to decide, as would someone in a personal relationship where the same dynamic was taking place, whether you're willing to put up with disrespectful treatment, or whether that's not acceptable to you and you're willing to go elsewhere if it doesn't change. Once you know that, you'll find it easier to firmly require that you are treated with decency and respect — which everyone deserves.

Q: He always says, "You have to earn respect."

Like all of us do at some point, your colleague seems to be mimicking the "rules" he learned — perhaps while growing up, and through experiences prior to his meeting you. Indeed, his approach may be a form of manipulation that gets him what he wants. The problem is that the past does not equal the present, or the future. So habitually using old rules for new situations rarely creates positive outcomes, for him as well as for others.

Respect is certainly earned, sometimes through masterful work and following through on our commitments and promises; other times by virtue of how we treat others, or the trials and challenges we persevere through. Yet there is also a certain degree of respect that is due to people and other living beings simply because they are. And then there's the golden rule — treat people as you would have them treat you. Few of us enjoy being treated poorly or disrespectfully, so it follows that we would not — if mindful and skillful — choose to make others feel diminished.

Potential solution

Several excellent questions to ask him include: How does he define respect, and what are his "rules" for earning it? What does someone have to do, and how do they have to be, in order to earn his respect? And then, once gained, how does he treat someone rewarded with his respect?

Unless you know that, you can never meet his "rules for respect" or decide if you're interested in trying. Ultimately, your colleague will have to be as interested in a mutually respectful relationship as you are, or you'll simply get more of the same pattern that you're seeing now.

But it's also likely that, given an "open door" provided by your respectful questioning, you and your colleague may be able to get to the other side of a temporary dilemma, and both be more skillful as a result.

Isn't communication fun? Life provides us with an everyday "communication school" in which to increase our skillfulness and mastery, while seeing how such improvement has a positive effect on our relationships and daily experience.

This information provides food for thought rather than counsel specifically designed to meet the needs of your organization or situation. Please use it mindfully. The most effective approaches are those that are tailored to your unique needs, Have questions? We welcome your inquiry.