Ivy Sea Online: Practical tips for when people really irritate you

Life is loaded with opportunities to benefit from or blunder interactions, and it's not uncommon to find ourself on the receiving end of people or circumstances which challenge both goodwill and sanity. The following two real-world interpersonal scenarios that might, on an average day, elevate the typical person's blood-pressure. With each, we've included one possible constructive response, so you can pick up a communication tool that can turn a tough situation into a worthwhile, or at least a less irritating, interaction.

Situation #1:
When you feel like you’re talking to a wall (and want to put your fist through it)

A vendor hasn’t provided the product or service you think you requested and paid for. In fact, the poor product is actually hurting your business because it's not the sort of work you like to have associated with your firm.

When you call the vendor to discover what happened and try to get a satisfying and fair resolution, you get nothing. "We got the project done quickly — even if it was wrong — and we didn’t make a lot of money off of it anyway," says the vendor. Unable to see the situation from your perspective and unwilling to make a goodwill gesture, such as reducing the invoice amount, you’re left aghast at this interaction and stuck with the poor product or service. Worse, instead of agreeing to fix the problem at no cost to you, he says that he really doesn't want projects like the one he did for you.

Tool #1
Get a fix on reality vs. your expectations

Slamming down the phone or screaming until you’re blue in the face are two plausible reactions, but not very effective ones. Here’s one way to make this interaction more productive:

First, don’t take responsibility for the vendor’s issues. In this example, he sets his rates and accepted the job, so his complaints about the profit margin are not your concern. If he thinks it's okay to say this to you, chances are good you won't get agreement on this part of the issue.

Second, be certain you are communicating clearly. This means:

• Staying open to his perspective and remaining curious. Don’t give in to the inclination to assume you're right just because something's important to you.

• Gather information by asking several open-ended questions, like "So how do you see this situation?" or "So what's most important to you in situations like this?" The more you understand about where he's rooted, the more realistic— and less frustrating—your conversation will be.

• Back up your opinions ("You’ve demonstrated weak listening skills") with facts ("in the project description we discussed on August 9, I listed the project specs and requirements. I do not see those requirements reflected in this product.")

• Make sure you and the vendor agree on the core issue or most important result of the project. For example, if flawless quality is most important to you, but the vendor places all of the importance on meeting a delivery date, you’re already on different tracks that may never meet.

• Document your conversations in your planner or other log. When it comes time to fix a problem or miscommunication, a specific record of events allows for a less emotional conversation.

• Identify the learning—be clear on expectations upfront—and apply it next time.

Finally, decide on your courses of action before you call. Plot out the various responses you might get from the vendor, a make your decision for each. You never want to make a decision in the heat of the moment out of anger. Planned ahead of time, a response such as, "I hear what you’re saying, and that business philosophy does not match with the way we like to do business. So, we’ll have to end our relationship" is much easier to say, and you feel confident that it was the right move to make.

Situation #1: instant replay

Vendor: We got the project done—even if it was wrong—and getting something done fast is what's most important to us. We didn’t make a lot of money off of it anyway.

You: So, am I correct in thinking that your primary goal for this project was to get it done?

Vendor: That's right.

You: I think I see where we crossed wires; we place value on different things. Our main goal for this project was to have a flawless product in the timeframe we agreed upon.

Vendor: Well, I can’t help you there. That's not what we agreed to at the start of the project. We told you we would get in done on your schedule.

You: I'm hearing that completing the project is most important to your group, but that business philosophy does not match with the way we like to do business. So, we’ll have to end our relationship and work with a more compatible vendor on future projects. Please tell me what's necessary to correct the error and complete our work together on this project.

Situation 2: An action plan that works (vs. using opinions to solve a problem)

Last month’s sales report shows an off-the-cliff reading for referral sales — zero — whereas the norm for summer is 6 - 8 sales per month. You start churning your brain and asking colleagues what to do. You’re stressed out and don’t feel equipped to solve the problem. Your job might be on the line!

What to do? Here's one very effective tool to help you move from anxiety into problem-solving.

Tool #2

Ask. I know, it seems ridiculously simple, but many people just don't think of this option first. Making recommendations in a vacuum or based solely on opinion is foolish. How do you know you have all of the answers or information in your head? Who’s to say that everything outside of your ‘world’ has stayed the same?

When confronted with a problem, question or idea, always ask a question. Ask whom? The people involved. For example, if you want to increase employee morale, ask employees what tactics would improve their morale. If you think your employer is dissatisfied with you, or you think an employee is unhappy, ask the person if that's the case. In our example above, ask the sales people who have closed deals during the period in question what’s changed, why they think there were no referrals.

An informed action plan is an effective action plan.