Ivy Sea Online: Five practices for maximizing joy, and minimizing conflict

Mindset Mastery and Conflict Prevention
FIVE PRACTICES FOR MAXIMIZING JOY, AND MINIMIZING CONFLICT

For many people, holidays are a time of great excitement, as well as increased expectations, stress, franticness, and potential conflict. You can increase the former and decrease the latter, though, with a few simple intra- and interpersonal communication strategies.

1) Don’t climb the ladder of inference:
The ladder-of-inference (LOI) refers to the way we might jump to conclusions, and not just during the holidays! When we climb the LOI, we take one small bit of input, and draw a major conclusion which usually is not correct (or at least not complete) and which often ends in mind-closing and conflict-creating judgment of another. This could mean that someone "gives you a certain look" or says something in a certain way, and that triggers a past association that leads to a negative conclusion. What happens then? You tend to take a conflict-producing position that the person is somehow "against you." Needless to say, climbing the ladder of inference creates tension, because we are often using old data that results in faulty conclusions, preventing us from seeing things in a more positive and accurate, way.

2) Broaden your expectations:
There is an old saying: "He who has rigid expectations is always disappointed." You can probably sense the truth of this wisdom. As you approach the holidays, intend to open up your expectations, to allow for a greater degree of receptivity. Agree to be pleasantly surprised, instead of holding very specific (and often impossible) expectations of others, gifts you want, how you want gatherings to be, etc. By giving yourself and others a little bit more space, you will not be radiating judgmentalism, you will feel more relaxed, and you will have more room for the joyful spirit of the season.

3) Take responsibility for your mood and your actions:
Practice setting aside the "they made me feel…" or "they made me do…" approach. Instead choose to own how you want others to experience you, and how you allow others to affect you. The great thing about this strategy is that it doesn’t matter what others choose to do, or how they choose to be. If they choose to be cranky, demanding and impossible to please, see that as their choice. You, however, can choose to be relaxed, kind, joyful, receptive, playful, and whatever other reflections of this joyful holiday season you put on your list.

4) Scan for beauty:
Albert Einstein, nearing the end of his life, told a friend, "The universe is an inherently friendly place!." There is no time like a season imbued with deep meaning to make the choice to look for all that is wondrous and beautiful, instead of sorting for what people did not do, what did not happen, what expectations were not met, etc. Add beauty to your immediate surroundings with flowers, candles, colorful wrapping, plants, or whatever else looks and feels uplifting for you. Use colorful pens and pencils. Wear something that makes you feel spirited and joyful. Breathe deeply, and feel grateful for the breathable air that gives you life. Notice all around you that is lovely, fresh, and good. Revel in the beauty of Nature.

5) Cultivate an attitude of gratitude:
Yes, it is the season to be grateful. And yet gratitude is not just a holiday affair. Studies increasingly show that feeling grateful helps to counter stress and its negative unhealthful effects. Identifying the many things for which we can be grateful, and expressing that gratitude in the moment, can be both uplifting and healing — for you and those around you. At a minimum, look for opportunities to say "thank you" (you would be appalled at how often people forget this common courtesy!), and write out thank-you notes to people who gave you gifts or uplifted your spirits during the holidays or the past year. You will no doubt find many other reasons to feel grateful, once you start looking. Why not collect them all on a list?

You’ll find more on these and related interpersonal and mindset-management skills in the "Workplace Communication Essentials" and "Skillful Listening Essentials" PDF Tip Kits in the Ivy Sea Online Resource Store, and in Ivy Sea's Brain Food Cafe and Wisdom and Mastery Portal. (Go to either of these resource portals by using the navigation bar at the top of this page.)